last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
