Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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