The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
