probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize