I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
