My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
