I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
