You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
