my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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