i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
