It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
