do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
