U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I met the friendliest cop last night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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