then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
try to milk me bitch
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
