So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
