Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
