Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
