I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
