she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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