theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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