yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
