Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
