dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
