We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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