Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
