I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
