Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
