I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
