don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
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I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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