when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
