is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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