I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
