omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
dude. I can hear the air.
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