Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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