you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
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Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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