Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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