Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
