My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
please come you make the beer taste better
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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