Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
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because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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