At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
