i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
