it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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