May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
