Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
