i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
