Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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