Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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