it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
