I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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