So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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