from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
