she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
