ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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