I hope mine doesn't look like that
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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