Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
